


Best Friend Basterds

by warmommy



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 06:30:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13584273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warmommy/pseuds/warmommy
Summary: Best Friend Preferences!





	Best Friend Basterds

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find this and a lot more at my tumblr, warmommy.tumblr.com!

  


[Originally posted by nerdreamer](https://tmblr.co/ZS_FSu21QQJrD)

 

**Aldo Raine:**

  * Neither of you can pass up a bet made by the other, it  **d o e s  n o t  m a t t e r** how much potential danger is involved
  * Like you’re in a tavern and you tell Aldo “I bet you can’t take that knife off Stiglitz without him noticing”
  * And he just stands up and says “Wha’chiss.”
  * Ride.
  * Or.
  * Die.
  * Y’all know each other’s mamas
  * Never is he without a smart ass remark but insists that you are, in fact, the smart ass
  * He fusses about EVERYTHING before sending you out undercover
  * You know his middle name and the story behind that wicked scar and also to never ever repeat either
  * He’s always falling asleep on your legs when you’re gathered around the fire, and he’s always growling about shit in his sleep
  * You met when you were assigned to be his translator in Italy because even if he COULD speak Italian no one would fucking be able to understand him
  * Thus he speaks the most Italian of any of the Basterds (so badly)
  * It doesn’t matter if he asks you to come to Nazi-occupied France or Sicily or the goddamn Smoky Mountains
  * Because you’re there
  * Getting drunk with Aldo means lots of singing and reminiscing
  * Because of this, the guys all have this incomplete and splendorous story of what went down in on That Glorious Night in Naples, 1940
  * There was a lion, some amount of cocaine, a broken record player, an opera singer, and Aldo glassed someone in the face 
  * You’re the best friends that just haven’t figured out you’re in love yet
  * But everyone else has
  * Y’all will get there
  * He’s got a backhand slap to the back of the head for any of the boys that flirts with you and a big ol’ knife should a Nazi make that mistake
  * Because not for a single second since meeting has there ever been a doubt you’d be flying back across the Atlantic together



**Wilhelm Wicki:**

  * Y’all have a pretty good working relationship to begin with
  * But the first time he has to put on a Nazi uniform and go undercover, you take him aside and tell him that you’re  _sorry_  for it, because it’s horrible
  * When he was out masquerading as an SS lieutenant, that little bit of plain human kindness really helps, and he tells you so on his return in a low and quiet voice
  * Neither of you have wanted for plain human kindness ever since
  * Nor have you ever wanted for a light or company or just any type of help
  * You can count on each other for anything basically
  * You don’t have to say shit to make each other laugh
  * 90% of your stupid inside jokes are silent and conveyed with just a look
  * He teaches you German to help you out and also to have someone to talk to, does not like when Stiglitz joins because it’s not the two of you anymore and someone else can hear your poking fun at everyone else. Also Stiglitz is fucking weird.
  * Every Hanukkah he throws a dreidel at you and showers you in those awful gold foil chocolate coins
  * Then he just eats them and you toss the bits of balled up foil at each other
  * He does it to this day every single year but neither of you remember what started it now
  * But really he’s just as big a bullshitter as the rest of them
  * He just makes stuff up for shits and giggles because he can tell the wildest stories with a straight face and make it seem almost true
  * On weekend passes you’re at the bar together, either by yourselves or playing poker with some of the others
  * You never talk about deeper feelings and they’re always out of sync with each other so nothing ever happens, like by the time he realized how he felt, you’d already gotten past how YOU had felt
  * But that’s fine, because seeing each other happy is most important
  * 100/10 will shoot someone in the face for each other
  * He’s also like an awful old grandma because he tries to play matchmaker 
  * With horrendous results
  * “What? I thought it would be a good idea.”
  * You absolutely have a son named Wilhelm later in life



 

[Originally posted by welcometomynightmare92-blog](https://tmblr.co/ZA0Dno18tlqV_)

  * You hit it off right away with Donny
  * 100% best guy you’ve ever met in your life
  * You met through the lieutenant before the Basterds were formed, totally inseparable since
  * Well-kept Donny Secret™: Getting dropped into France was a nightmare for him
  * He hates heights, got used to flying, but parachuting uh-uh
  * So in the entire two hours that preceded, he sat perfectly still, spoke to no one, and squeezed your arm the entire time so you got the sickest bruise ever
  * But worth it, he is your perfect cinnamon roll and no one can tell you otherwise
  * It’s hilarious when you try to hold him back from attacking someone in a fit of anger because you’re just nowhere near big or strong enough to stop one of his rampages, so you’re just holding onto his back while his fists are flying
  * Literally always grossing everyone else with constant expository PDA and pet names
  * You like to call him various food items and he calls you Dollface, Babydoll, assorted others
  * Like, really loud because grossing everyone else out is fun
  * One time you sprained your ankle and Donny carried you on his back for ten miles without ever complaining but also demanding the entire time you tell him stories about Philly
  * He sent photos from England to his Ma, including one of you, and she has it framed on the mantlepiece with her pictures of Donny and his siblings
  * The day after the war ends and you and the rest are gathered in Allied territory feeling a strange mixture of relief and anxiety
  * Donny randomly gets down on one knee with a donut and says
  * “I swore I was gonna do this if I got to shoot Hitler in the face.”
  * He slides the donut on your finger
  * It doesn’t really work and he gets agitated
  * You’re just sitting there with your jaw on the floor as this happens
  * “What the fuck ever, stupid goddamn donut. Fuck! Do you want to get married or not?”
  * Then it just hits you all of a sudden that this was a long time coming and you start to cry and Hirschberg just loses his shit laughing and Aldo asks if we can wrap this up ‘cuz we got a flight in fifteen minutes



**Smithson Utivich:**

  * He stands out to you at first because he’s quiet but also really polite and just nice
  * Then you find out he’s from Manhattan, too, and the two of you talk endlessly about New York in between raids and gunfire
  * He’s really funny in an understated sort of way, never laughs at his own jokes but smiles when he’s successfully made you laugh
  * You like all the same kinds of books and music and movies
  * You’re both sort of annoying to the others in this way, because you exist in your own world sometimes, and it’s a world most of them weren’t even part of before the war, both your parents trying to be WASPy
  * You confide in each other about how hard it was to actually pull the scalp off someone the first few times, but it gets easier
  * He tells you he worries about it getting easier and so fucking blasé, and you make a pact to keep each other in check and grounded in humanity
  * But really soon you’re lighting cigarettes with blood soaked into both your hands and bitching about the weather
  * You talk less and less about missing New York and more about what you want life to look like after the war
  * It takes a while, but he finally intimates that he really wants to write a book about being a Basterd
  * And you get really excited by the idea, volunteer to do whatever interviews he wants, and promise to buy a hundred copies to hand out to everyone you know
  * Always super supportive of each other
  * Always give each other little gifts for Hanukkah: a flask full of brandy for you, hand-knitted scarf for him
  * You find yourself constantly inspired by just what a great person he is and have nightmares about him getting shot and killed
  * But it’s actually you that gets shot, and it’s sort of a funny story
  * It’s just a flesh wound but he will not quit freaking the fuck out about it
  * Like, he holds your hand while Stiglitz digs the bullet out with a hot knife even though Hugo yells at him constantly to leave so he can concentrate
  * His face is just as white as yours is, and even though it hurts like fuck, you can’t help but laugh at his expression
  * You find out the hard way that he cannot hold his liquor and are the one to spend the rest of the night beside him while he pukes his guts up
  * You’re the soul mate sort of best friends and best friend sort of soul mates
  * You can talk about anything, from his ill-fated crush on a French guy he met and your affair with Wicki
  * He’s stoked about being your best man at your wedding even though your sister is pissed you didn’t choose a maid of honor
  * When he gets his book published, you’re in the dedication, and you sit down with a glass of tea and read the whole thing



 

**Omar Ulmer:**

  * Is actually the funniest person you’ve ever met
  * Is the only one willing to help you pry gold teeth out of dead Nazis
  * Nobody knows where the hell you two met each other because you practically speak a language all of your own
  * At one point in the past you did actually date, but realized that you were far better as friends and that’s fine with you both
  * He’s excited to introduce you to everyone even though you’re a lot more shy around others
  * Your primary directive is providing overwatch since Lieutenant isn’t totally on board with letting a scrawny girl loose while there’s guns a-blazin’, and you’re cool with it, because you can pick off anyone that gets too close to Omar or the rest (but come on mostly Omar)
  * Completely love holding it over his head how many times you’ve saved his ass
  * So he tells everyone that you were in a ballet company in another life
  * But after everyone stops laughing he tells them that you were actually something special to watch and your feet are crazy fucking strong
  * He doesn’t know exactly how to feel when Donny starts getting all gooey-eyed over you
  * Because Donny is a great guy but also constantly pissed and rampaging
  * He doesn’t WANT to believe Donny would ever hurt you physically
  * And he has some small bits of nostalgia about being with you
  * But when he sees you together he’s on board because you look so happy
  * And he hasn’t seen you smile all that much since coming to France
  * He doesn’t bother with the whole “touch her and I’ll kill you” thing because it’s not really his style and he doesn’t want to get shot
  * The two of you love dancing and are always dancing together whenever you get the chance, even in the woods a few times when making camp
  * Your children know you as ‘aunt _____” and “uncle Omar”
  * You’re the best friends who are somewhat telepathically connected and always in tune



 

[Originally posted by xx-dark-diamond-xx](https://tmblr.co/ZL9PYh26Xv7Ec)

[Originally posted by fuckyeahinglouriousbears](https://tmblr.co/ZvEPgwBCYleI)

**Hugo Stiglitz:**

  * You just call him dick, ass, other things of this nature, even though he’s perfectly cordial with you
  * Upon springing him loose from imprisonment, Lt. Raine told Hugo to let you look him over and he didn’t feel as though he could say no, although he really,  _really_  did not want to let you, and he also had a bad feeling about an infected wound on his back
  * Your friendship began immediately after because you did not say one goddamn word
  * You didn’t flinch
  * You didn’t awww or coo over him for what he’d endured
  * You just did your job, patched him up best you could, and offered him a drink
  * Co-fucking-dependent, the both of you
  * Although he almost never talks to anyone else, he’s curious about your story, and how you wound up with them, to which you just shrug and respond that they needed a nurse and had no medical officer
  * Later, you tell him that they rescued you, too, and he respects you too much to pry and also appreciates that you still haven’t tried to get him to talk about it either
  * Once his infection is cured and his wounds are healed he doesn’t really have to interact with you or be around you anymore, but he does
  * Eventually you tell him that you met the Basterds because they saved you from a Gestapo officer who was assaulting you, and he confides what the Gestapo did for him
  * He refuses to let anyone else cut his hair so you have to borrow Donny’s scissors
  * In fact, you wind up doing a lot of shit like that for him, helping him wash things and trying to get him to sleep or eat more
  * Hugo is really not a fan of anyone else being friendly with you
  * Let alone flirting, that’s just disrespectful and he’ll break noses
  * Other people make him angry and you nervous, so he does a pretty good job at scaring them off
  * He doesn’t have friends or family anymore, so when he decides you’re part of his life, that’s pretty irreparable 
  * He speaks very presumptively about what the two of you will do after the war ends, and you just never correct him
  * He absolutely despises when you go undercover with Wicki
  * Partly because you’re basically just a civilian and it’s putting your life on the line
  * Partly because you’re off-limits to Wicki and everyone knows it
  * But you always come back and you’ve always got ten or eleven packs of cigarettes just for him and it’s nothing that staying by your side constantly for a few days can’t fix
  * When he finds out that you’re actually Jewish, he feels more afraid for you and even more protective
  * Neither of you have comments for anyone that cracks wise about the nature of your relationship
  * When the war ends and you’ve both been granted US citizenship as part of the deal Landa made with the brass, Hugo turns to you and asks where you’d like to go
  * When he doesn’t exactly know what to do with himself now that it’s all over, you’re there when the talking finally begins




End file.
